What’s your “thing”?
Hello hello!
One thing that we like to ask other parents, especially the ones working full-time, is: how much time do you spend really connecting with your kid on a daily basis? The answers are generally loaded with a mix of shame and self-doubt. Let’s just agree - no parent in the entire world ever feels like they are doing their job perfectly. We always have room for improvement.
That’s why busy parents (all of us?) need to be efficient with their time. The to-do list is forever long and there are certain logistical tasks - like eating, doing homework, taking a shower - that are undeniably important. This newsletter’s goal is to help you find a way to sneak into your to-do list the most important task of all. The one task that, if you nurture daily, will help you maintain a healthy relationship with your child through adolescence and beyond. That task is SPEND QUALITY TIME CONNECTING.
Research shows that the quality of time that parents spend with their kids is more important than the quantity of time. It doesn’t have to be a huge undertaking, mere 15 minutes of quality interactions every day can have a massive impact on their overall well-being. It may help to choose a regular date and time and mark it on your schedule. When you start devoting that slot of time to your child, they will quickly learn when to expect their time with you.
One-on-one.
I only have one child. Making time for one-on-one interaction is not a real challenge for us. In fact, I spend most of my energy trying to arrange playdates so that my daughter gets to play with other kids her age.
If you have more than one kid chances are that frequent one-on-one time is more difficult to arrange. You don’t need to have individual time every day, but it’s very important that you establish at least once a week special moments of solo attention to each child.
Making time for your kid shows that they are valued. Also, it helps decrease the negative attention-seeking behavior. Finally, it’s an opportunity to get to know each other better and discuss topics that sometimes need a private talk.
Our thing.
When I was a teen my thing with my dad was to go for a car ride together at night around town. Sometimes we would admire the house’s architecture, sometimes we would just listen to music, and sometimes we would talk about deep subjects. I always knew that if I needed to talk to him about something serious, that would be a time that I would have his undivided attention.
What’s the “thing” that you both really enjoy doing together? Maybe it’s cooking, walking the dog, practicing baseball, playing board games, riding the bike, gardening, listening to music, grocery shopping, cuddling at bedtime…
Undivided attention.
Quality time is the time that you’re fully present doing things they like to do. No phones, no thinking about work. It’s you and your kid, jumping into your parallel universe together. You are there with an open heart, mind and ears, ready to experience their world and listen to what they have to say.
Energy drainer.
This is a time to exchange good energy. Ideally, you don’t use this valuable moment to parent hard. If every time you get together you end up spending it criticizing your kid’s behavior, or discussing something that's important to you and not to them, I’m sorry, but they will stop looking forward to being alone with you. Leave the parenting lessons for another time.
WHAT NOW?
To summarize the practical parts of the above:
1 - How much time do you spend really connecting with your kid on a daily basis?
2 - If it works for you, choose a regular date and time and mark it on your schedule.
3 - What’s the “thing” that you both really enjoy doing together?
NERDING IT UP
The effect of the time parents spend with children on children's well-being (Read)
Most parents confess to spending more time on their phones than their kids (Read)
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