Connecting before the teen years.
Hi hi!
It's never too late to start paying attention to our kids’ emotional well-being. Even when your kid is 27 years old :)
BUT… The teenage years can be really tough, we all know that. So we brought you some food for thought on why building a strong emotional connection with kids, specifically between ages 6 and 12, should be your top priority before arriving in the teenage years.
The sad data.
Starting in the 2010’s, teenagers increasingly started showing signs of mental health issues.
Depression and anxiety rates in the US, which were mostly steady in the 2000s, shot up by 50% in many studies from 2010 to 2019.
The suicide rate for 10 to 19-year-olds increased by 50%, and for girls aged 10 to 14, it surged by 130%.
American teens reported increased feelings of loneliness and friendlessness around 2012.
Academic performance also started to suffer, with reading and math scores declining for US students after 2012, reversing decades of slow improvement. This decline was seen globally in math, reading, and science scores, starting in the early 2010s.
This problem wasn't just in the US - countries like Canada, the UK, Australia, New Zealand, and the Nordic countries saw similar patterns around the same time.
Members of Gen Z (born in and after 96) are experiencing anxiety, depression, self-harm, and related disorders at higher rates than any other generation with available data.
Is the lack of parental connection to blame?
Kind of. There are many studies and theories attempting to explain what is causing these horrific numbers. It turns out that it is a combination of factors, but let’s say that technology and social media have the biggest slice of that pie.
The parent-child connection is what determines how all of these factors will ultimately affect your kids’ mental health. Most parents already understand the importance of nurturing the connection with their kids. But the real challenge lies in making sure that our kids actually feel emotionally connected to us - meaning: they trust us, feel safe to voluntarily share their feelings and worries, and look to us for guidance and support.
A great relationship with the parent does not guarantee a successful life, but nurturing the connection during the school-age phase, is our best chance to prepare them for the transition and to provide support and guidance if/when things get really hard as teens.
The parent-child relationship stages.
Early childhood (Up to 5)
Reciprocity and emotional awareness are big parts of the development and fostering of the parent-kid emotional connection. Before the age of 6, although pivotal for attachment and various aspects of relationship development, children still lack the necessary skills to fully understand and effectively communicate their emotions. At this age, the kids' sources and opportunities for connection-learning revolve around the parents and direct family.
School-age (6 to 12)
During the school years, children start to show more interest in spending time with their friends, but this doesn't mean they're less interested in spending time with their parents. Now that they are expanding their psychosocial and cognitive abilities, they are simply able to include more people and settings beyond the home environment. However, the parent-child bond remains a crucial influence on their development.
Sometimes, people view the parent-child relationship as one-sided, with parents solely shaping their children. However, it's actually a two-way street. Particularly during the school years, children begin to influence the dynamics of the relationship as well. This period is when families typically establish their patterns of communication and interaction.
Research has pointed out the impact of factors such as divorce, remarriage, and parental employment, on children's development. Surprisingly, the quality of the parent-child relationship is found to be more significant than changes in household structure or parental employment status. A strong bond with parents is consistently associated with healthier child development, regardless of parental marital status or work situation. However, significant disruptions to the parent-child relationship due to changes in parental marital status or employment may temporarily affect the child's behavior.
Adolescence
Adolescence is a big deal when it comes to the parent-child relationship. As kids hit this stage, all sorts of changes – biological, cognitive, and emotional – start happening, and they can really shake things up between parents and their children.
During early adolescence, kids start itching for more independence. They might push back against their parents' rules as they try to figure out who they are. It's kind of like when they were toddlers and wanted to do everything themselves. Many parents find this stage pretty tough and need to adjust their parenting style.
At this stage, building a connection becomes trickier. Challenges get more complicated, we spend less time together, and sadly, they don't always want to hang out with us as much. Their friends become more interesting, as well as the external events and stimuli beyond the family circle. On top of that, they are increasingly relying on social media for guidance and opinion formation. While reconnecting with your teen is possible, it’s just harder.
Tween for the win.
When our little ones are fully dependent on us, it’s quite natural that we tend to focus more on parenting. However, as they grow older and more independent, we tend to think that they don’t need us as much. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Especially between early childhood and teen years, kids must have their emotional needs seen, acknowledged, validated, reflected and accepted by the adults around them. That is how they develop the emotional maturity, self-awareness, self-confidence and resilience needed to go out and face the brave new world - both physical and digital.
When parents succeed in establishing a relationship of trust during the pre-teen years, their attachment evolves into an emotional closeness and a sense of psychological intimacy that lays the ground for parents to do their job: nurture, comfort, guide, and teach. If we fail to stay connected, the transition from tween to teenager can potentially bring significant challenges as they are much less inclined to bond.
WHAT NOW?
First of all - and as always around here - be very intentional about building a healthy and strong emotional bond with your kid, especially during this window of 6 to 12. If you agree, great, let's do this.
Start early: Beginning to actively work on our connection with them at a younger age is crucial.
Take advantage: Kids 6-12 are eager to have a close relationship with us. Take advantage of this time to bring connection-driven activities to your routine.
Encourage emotional expression: Help your children develop their emotional skills by encouraging them to express their feelings. Expressing yours will be a huge help!
Be mindful of external influences: Recognize the influence of social media and external stimuli on your kids' lives. Stay involved, communicate and offer guidance, even as they increasingly turn to peers and online sources for advice and opinions.
NERDING IT UP
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers (book)
Social-Emotional Development: An Introduction (read and watch)
Young children who are close to their parents are more likely to grow up kind, helpful and 'prosocial' (read)
Parent-Child Relationships (read)
End the phone-based childhood now (read)
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