Staying connected while navigating anger
Story time.
It all started when I asked my 9-year-old daughter to turn off the TV and clean up her messy bedroom. She flipped. She usually complains, and that’s to be expected, but for some reason, that day she got M.A.D.
We'll not get into parenting styles here - and focus only on the connection aspect of it all, but my decision at that moment was to let her be angry and deal with the frustration of not getting her way. I saw her angry face, the stomping to her room, and the harsh door shutting, and although my instinct was to set boundaries right there, I decided to say nothing and wait.
Welcoming anger.
Until not long ago, she relied almost exclusively on me to soothe her, and as she grows older, I'm helping her uncover ways to self-soothe. It’s my quest to help her be self-reliant while knowing, of course, that her dad and I will ALWAYS be here to support her.
After a long time of sobbing, shouting on the pillow, and throwing stuff around in the room, she was still mad. Nothing was soothing her. I continued with the goal: let her find a way to calm herself down, get familiar with the uncomfortable emotions of anger and frustration, and work through them.
Eventually, she came out of the room - which was now clean - but her face was pretty much like the Anger guy in the movie Inside Out. She gave me a laser look and shouted: I HATE YOU! YOU’RE THE WORST MOM EVER!
(Ouch.)
Yes, I know she doesn’t hate me. She hated everything about the situation and the fact that a person she loved so much could have done something that awful.
I should know better and not let that sting me, but I felt deeply hurt by those words. I tried to stay strong, but tears rolled uncontrollably down my face.
Listening.
I didn’t need to say anything, she saw my tears and immediately regretted it and apologized. We hugged and I asked: now tell me what you're really mad about. And I listened. She expressed all of her frustrations: "You're not paying attention to my needs… you don’t understand how hard it is for me to clean my room". I sat there with an open heart to listen to all the thoughts going through her confused brain. We were trying to make sense of things - together.
Talking it out.
With her sitting on my lap, holding hands and hugging tight, we had a whole-hearted conversation. I made sure to acknowledge her feelings - dealing with uncomfortable emotions and tasks can be indeed very painful.
I explained how even pain sometimes can be a gift. When we work through the uncomfortable, we find the most rewarding outcome: growth. We can both recognize that it was hard but I still expect her to clean her room, as a contributing member of our family.
We revisited some of the coping mechanisms that didn’t work. I even brought up an idea: "Try taking deep breaths next time" to which she responded: "The last thing I want to do is breathe when I’m angry." Gosh, I can definitely relate to that.
Reconnecting.
A very stressful couple of hours ended well. We talked, listened, agreed, disagreed, empathized, and even had a laugh. I hope to have shown her that even when she’s learning to deal with difficult emotions, I’m right there to guide and support her through the path - not to take away the pain, but to help her discover how to make the pain more manageable.
Staying connected to our kids, especially during difficult situations, is what makes or breaks a healthy relationship.
WHAT NOW?
For us here Parenthesis people, it doesn't really matter what the challenge was, or even the approach I used to mitigate it. When talking about connection, the important thing is to find ways to keep holding tight to a little string linking both of you through difficult times, even when anger is present. And then communicate openly and reconnect, as strongly and lovingly as you can.
Hold on tight to the little string.
SUBSCRIBE
Click HERE to receive our FREE bi-weekly newsletter.
Our newsletter brings practical tools, information, and inspiring ideas that will enable you to deepen your connection with your kids and add a bit of magic to your family moments.
We'll also keep you updated on new products and promotions.