Be Here Now.
Attention. The world’s most precious commodity and everyone is trying to get yours! On social media, your apps, your emails, everywhere you go, brands and people are competing for your attention. Billions and billions of dollars are spent to earn at least a few seconds of your mental real estate. But do you know who is trying to get it the most? Your kids.
Hi, Lily here.
A few years back I realized that as soon as Nina started telling me a story that was mildly uninteresting about school or a bee that landed on her ice cream, I would zone out completely. It was awful. And since I’m telling you the raw truth, here is one more: I pretended that I was listening. I’d go: “Uhum… really? Wow…” but I was actually thinking about work or the laundry load that I needed to fold.
It’s not that I didn’t care about my daughter, heaven knows, she’s my everything. It was more like a bad habit, an unconscious glitch, and likely, something I experienced from my parents growing up. My attention span is a lot shorter when I’m stressed. Also, I have ADHD, and my thoughts run 200 miles per hour, in circles. It’s very difficult for me to slow down. I get distracted by every little thing. So yeah, focusing and giving my full attention to my girl was a big struggle.
Since the day I noticed I was doing that, I’ve been working hard to be better. I’ve read books about it and tried many strategies. Guess what, apparently we can’t force focus. We need to train it, like a muscle. I also found the need to reduce the amount of external distractions and regain full control of my own thoughts and the time I give to others. In the competition for our attention, we need to be very intentional about who we want to give it to.
Too distracted.
No matter how much I love my little one, the message I subconsciously sent to her every single time I pretended to pay attention was that whatever she was experiencing was not important to me. That can’t be good for a kid’s self-esteem, can it?
A survey from 10 years ago shows that 62% of kids think parents are too distracted to listen. In today’s post-pandemic technology-ruled world, it’s unreasonable to assume that this number has decreased.
When a parent is not listening and paying attention to how their children are experiencing life, they miss a great opportunity to connect on a deeper level.
"Should I tell my parents or not?". We all know that this is a dilemma our kids will deal with and we hope their answer is always yes. While there are no guarantees, we can definitely increase the likelihood by making sure they feel listened to. The more positive experiences they have when telling us stuff, the more prone they’ll be to sharing in the future.
WHAT NOW?
I’ll share with you my fitness program. It’s not rocket science, but it takes effort - and it worked for us. Disclaimer: Everyone is different, and your mileage may vary.
Exercises + Motivation
Treat attention as an ON and OFF switch, not a dimmer. When you give someone your precious time, give your all.
Engage like there’s no tomorrow. Your kid will grow up, so be fully there while you can.
Make a point of creating some together time when they get home from school, just to talk through their day. Really give your all here. This special time will go a long way in satisfying their craving for attention.
Learn to meditate, that’s like a gym for your brain - Headspace App is my all-time favorite.
Focus + Distractions
Be more like Oprah Winfrey - a loud listener: react to the stories with sounds, and expressions. Feel the emotions.
Put the phone away after you finish work. Ugh… I know, this one may be the hardest. Maybe start by turning off notifications when it’s family time.
Agreements + Communication
Tell your kid you are working on that skill. We’re big fans of vulnerability here.
Create some rules that can help you out, like for example: your kid wants to tell you a story, but you are focused on an important task. Make an arrangement where they can only start telling you after you’re finished with that task and are ready to give them your full attention. In my case, I added: make sure I’m looking at you and I’ll give you a verbal cue.
Explain that we can’t always stop everything to give them attention - unless of course, it is an emergency. That is an unrealistic expectation. Help them understand how to read the room, and choose the right time to talk.
Teach them that they can ask for your attention - as opposed to misbehaving to get bad attention.
Making changes in family matters all at once can be overwhelming. Try to focus on one thing at a time. Good luck and share with us your experiences if you feel like :)
NERDING IT UP
State of the Kid Survey (Read)
How To Know a Person - David Brooks (Book)
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen...And Listen So Kids Will Talk - Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish (Book)
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