Criticism and growth opportunities.
Hi there!
Kids will make mistakes and behave differently from what we expect, inevitably. The way we choose to approach these situations can determine and model how they will respond to criticism, how they will see themselves, and ultimately how safe they will feel in your relationship and potentially all of their other relationships.
The Safe Space.
The ability to give and receive feedback is one of the pillars of human connection. In parenthood, the existence of a ‘safe space’ is essential for a healthy exchange of feedback to occur.
A strong bond is built when both kid and parent have the ability to have a difficult conversation without feeling that criticism or feedback means the other person loves or thinks less of them, or, worse, they will abandon them. We love each other, we're safe to be open.
Collective growth mindset.
We have goals as a family - even if they're not stated or clear. But in the most basic way of explaining a family, we're a unit. As a unit, we need the feeling of togetherness to prevail, and being together over time means growing together - and not separate or apart (even if only emotionally, not physically).
We want to keep loving each other, counting on each other, supporting each other, getting stronger together - and sometimes separately with the help of each other. And we do that - among other things - by sharing feedback on "mistakes" or as some people call it: "growth opportunities".
Criticism among loved ones is to construct a relationship, not to destroy one. Sharing feedback is for growth, not for judgment or shaming. Constructive criticism can help children learn that feedback is an opportunity for growing together, rather than a personal attack. "They love me so much that they're bringing this up, so we can get better, so I can grow". This mindset helps them later to be thoughtful and curious about their own behaviors and mistakes.
The mirror.
As we know well, our kids are watching us the whole time. How we react to their mistakes and misbehaviors, no matter how small, will inform them if we have low or high tolerance, little or a lot of empathy, patience, understanding, openness to vulnerability, etc…
A lot of times, parents react impulsively using harsh words and tone. Maybe because we believe that the kids are intentionally being bad or provoking or because we unconsciously take our kid’s behavior personally. The problem with that approach, especially if too often, is that we end up accidentally creating a sense of danger for our kids and breaking our bond.
They also observe how we take criticism from other people - especially from our partners. That’s why parents play a crucial role in shaping how their kids handle criticism. If parents respond to and give criticism healthily and constructively, their kids are likely to adopt similar behaviors.
WHAT NOW?
Alright, let's get to the main point, shall we? What does constructive criticism look like? Well, it might look like the points below. Read on, reflect on your interactions, and maybe grab a few of those for your next feedback giving/receiving session:
The behavior vs the person. Aaaaaalways good to remember and to remind them that a specific behavior can be "bad", but the kid is not "bad" because of that. One behavior doesn’t define the entirety of the kid.
Self-control and emotional regulation. Use techniques like counting to ten or taking a short break to gather thoughts before sharing.
Watch your words. Harsh criticism can lead to shame and undermine our goals as parents. Kids may internalize criticism and sustain emotional wounds, which can lead to self-doubt and low self-esteem.
Repair. Sometimes we react impulsively and regret it later. Acknowledge your mistake, apologize sincerely, and discuss the incident to understand each other’s feelings and rebuild connection.
Show engagement and ask questions. Listen carefully to the criticism without interrupting, trying to understand the other person's perspective before reacting, while seeking clarity if the criticism is not fully understood.
Validate the critic's perspective and express gratitude. Acknowledge the points made, even if you don’t fully agree - as well as thank the person for their feedback.
Self-Reflection. Take time to reflect on the criticism and self-access to determine if the feedback has merit.
Internally, be critical - but not overly critical. Yes, sometimes the feedback will not have merit - but think that there must be a reason for it to be given.
Respond constructively. Respond thoughtfully, focusing on solutions or improvements rather than becoming defensive. Understand the critic’s viewpoint, show empathy, and respond respectfully, regardless of the nature of the criticism.
Emphasize learning and collaboration. Remind everyone involved that criticism is a chance to learn and improve - and remember that you can always help each other when finding solutions.
NERDING IT UP
How to Help Kids Deal With Criticism (read)
Giving Children Constructive Criticism (read)
Constructive Criticism Builds Resilient Teens (read)
Feedback And Its Impact On Behavior, Learning, Development, And More (read)
Learn to Solicit Feedback … from Your Kids (read)
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