Confessions of an overconnected mom.
Hi, Lily here.
Today, I received a call from my daughter’s school Mental Health Counselor with an update. Nina has been visiting the counselor's office regularly to chat about her emotions and challenges. By the way, I’m so happy LAUSD is offering this free service to students now. I truly believe it can make a huge difference in addressing the mental health crisis among middle schoolers and teens.
After our conversation, I had several important insights. I realized that my obsession with being a present and supportive mom is actually crippling her self-confidence. Yes, I found out that a parent can actually be *overconnected.* In my defense, both of my parents exhibited strong narcissistic traits, which left me feeling insignificant growing up. My devotion to being a great mom comes from a place of wanting to be for my child who I wished my parents had been for me. And yet, despite 20 years of therapy, a degree in child development, and countless hours of self-directed research on the topic, I’ve learned that no education can save us from the reality that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We will inevitably affect our kids in some way, at some point.
The blind spot.
In my quest to perfect this connection, I created a blind spot. My need to always be there—ready to help Nina with whatever issue she’s facing and to support her through her emotions (and she has a lot of them!)—has made her dependent on me, and now the mental health counselor, to cope.
We want our kids to be self-reliant, confident, trust their instincts, test their hypotheses, and when they fail, to reflect, learn, and grow. That’s how they develop essential social and emotional skills. It’s important for them to know they can count on us for advice and support, but they also need to learn how to look within for their own answers. It’s part of discovering who they are. It’s a key step in the process of separating from parents, which begins in middle school. But I haven’t given Nina the chance to feel like she’s fully capable of navigating her own problems without first running them by me.
The balance.
I should know better. I’m fully aware that studies in developmental psychology show that parents’ over-involvement can hinder our kids’ ability to develop autonomy and problem-solving skills. Encouraging them to think independently fosters resilience and a stronger sense of self-efficacy, which are critical during adolescence.
The fine line we’re all navigating lies between being supportive and fostering independence. You want to be there for your kids but not in a way that undermines their ability to develop autonomy. Striking this balance is key for their growth and confidence, and I’ve been reflecting on ways to ensure that I can welcome her independence while still being a reliable source of support.
“Unconnecting”.
It’s funny that I’m writing a newsletter about reversing a hyper-connection. But I’m not really suggesting disconnection. Instead, I think my work now is about stepping back and letting her build her own self-confidence.
Next time she comes to me for advice, here are the things I want to practice more:
Before I jump in and share my thoughts on how to handle the situation, I’ll ask: “What do you think you should do?” I want her to trust her own instincts first.
I will try to listen more and offer guidance, not solutions, because helping her figure things out for herself is how she’ll grow.
I’ll work on resisting the urge to fix her problems to shield her from frustration or failure. After all, these experiences will help her develop resilience, and learning from mistakes is part of growing up.
While I’ll always be there to catch her if she truly needs me, I trust that she can handle the smaller challenges. I’ll remind her more often: “You’ve got this,” “Trust your gut,” and “I believe in you.”
It will be a joy to celebrate her wins and lessons alongside her—whenever I’m invited! :) And in those moments, I’ll remind myself that stepping back is as much an act of love as stepping in.
SUBSCRIBE
Click HERE to receive our FREE bi-weekly newsletter.
Our newsletter brings practical tools, information, and inspiring ideas that will enable you to deepen your connection with your kids and add a bit of magic to your family moments.
We'll also keep you updated on new products and promotions.