Balancing independence and dependence.

Hi, Eduardo here!

Every family is different, some agree, some disagree, but one of my goals is to raise an independent kid. After dozens of conversations about this topic with Lily, we realized that we both had lots of questions about the best approach.

The thing is, I LOVE doing things for Hazel - now 8 years old. I love cooking and serving her, I love preparing snacks and bringing them to where she is, I love brushing her hair, helping her pick clothes, putting her to sleep, playing with her… and a whole lot of other things she could (and some say should) do herself.

What I always tell her is that I want her to know how to do stuff, and it's OK if I do it for her/with her sometimes, as long as she is capable of doing it by herself. I teach her how to cook, we practice going to sleep by herself, and she plays alone… but I do those things (and others) for/with her a lot because I do enjoy it.

The main question we had about this was: what's a good balance when trying to raise independent kids without pushing them too far away? As usual, we both got to reading everything we could find about it and here are some nice thoughts.

Briefly defining.

These would be the 4 words that show up often in the parenting world, but we decided not to step into codependency this time around.

Dependence is when one person relies on another to get their needs met. Great, and very necessary until a certain age.

Independence is when a person relies on themself instead of others to get their needs met. Great, and important to develop from a certain age.

Codependency is an imbalance dynamic, where a parent needs their kid to satisfy an intense craving for the kid to rely on them, approve, and give recognition to them. Not great :(

Interdependence is when a person engages in a mutual, two-way relationship and becomes bigger than the sum of its parts. Pretty great :)

The independence race.

Families sometimes can accidentally hurt their connection with their kids by rushing their independence. The intention behind it can be good: they want the kids to know that they are capable of doing things on their own and help boost their self-confidence. Also, a common belief is that "the world out there is tough", so the parents' role is to help kids grow thick skin and resilience.

The problem is that in some cases, we can actually hurt our kids' trust that we are here when they need it. What happens then? Yes, the race toward independence actually pushes kids even further away from becoming truly independent.

See, dependence is the key to fostering independence - it helps them to know that they can rely on us, that it is safe to try things, to grow, to make mistakes, and to learn from those mistakes without any repercussions on their relationship with you. Dependence builds kids’ confidence, knowing they have a reliable support system.

Crazy right? We need dependence to create independence.

Natural dependence.

At the beginning of life, kids are entirely dependent on us to meet their physical and emotional needs. This is natural and necessary, as they lack the capability to care for themselves. As they grow, healthy dependence ensures that kids feel secure, understood, and supported, laying a foundation for their capability of meeting their own needs.

When some people think about dependence, they think of kids who “never grow up”, and who graduate from college and end up living at home because they seem incapable of taking care of themselves. Well, dependence can absolutely turn into something negative over time if worked in an unhealthy way, but it can also be really positive, like when they count on us to provide advice and direction when they need to make better decisions for themselves.

Could overemphasizing independence be a bad thing?

Ya, a lot of times it can.

Two things: One - A lot of times, kids' requests for help are a call for connection. Two - When we consistently say no to our kids' requests for help under the guise of promoting independence, they can feel unsupported and disconnected.

“You can do that yourself” can be a great way to respond, and teach them to be self-reliant - and can also compromise the safe feeling that we got their back. There’s a difference between providing encouragement when they need guidance, and dismissing them when they're seeking connection. Yes, we can all do things by ourselves, but that’s not necessarily the end goal. Community, help, remember?

The goal of independence in Montessori methodology, for example, is not to get our children to do things alone. It's to help them better connect – first to their world and sense of self, then to their peers and communities.

Better us than them.

We are social creatures, incapable of being truly independent. Rather, we depend on others all the time. The key here is who we are dependent on.

Trying too hard to foster what we sometimes believe is independence can actually distance us from our kids, and guess what? They will continue to look for a support system - and all of a sudden our kids are seeking support, validation, and connection from their peers, pop culture even (hi Instagram and TikTok!), and these people's values and beliefs that might not match our families’.

The conclusion.

I think we got a nice understanding after our studies.

For us, raising children involves a delicate balance between fostering dependence and promoting independence. Dependence provides the security necessary for children to develop confidence, and independence allows them to discover their own strengths and capabilities.

It works for me! What do you think?

:)

WHAT NOW?

Here are a few things we can do to work on independence with this balance in mind:

Nurture freedom of information - Kids should not fear speaking/sharing.

Respect your kids - Listen and take them seriously to help validate who they are and how they feel and think.

Accept your kids’s feelings - Encourage them to express their feelings, and remember that feelings don't need to be rational, nor do you have to “fix” them. Comfort your kids and let them know you love them, rather than try to talk them out of how they feel.

Allow them age-appropriate decisions and responsibilities - Kids need support in learning how to problem-solve and make decisions. Some children may take on adult responsibilities too young and never learn to rely on anyone, being given unlimited freedom without guidance. While other kids may be controlled or pampered, not really learning to make their own choices.

Have reasonable and predictable rules - When rules are arbitrary, harsh, or inconsistent, instead of learning from mistakes, kids become angry and anxious, and might learn to distrust their parents. Rules should be explicit and consistent.

Nurture your kids - There's no such thing as too much love and understanding. You’re not spoiling them by being empathetic and affectionate.

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