Being your kid’s safe place. (Part 1)

Hi, Eduardo here.

I was listening to a podcast interview with the amazing Alicia Keys, and they touched a bit on parenting. “Home and parents are the last place kids listen to,” the interviewer said. And yes, there’s some truth to that - the older they get, the more peers and social media influence their choices. But then she responded: “I think although they’re getting a lot of information from outside, they do know that they can trust, when they speak with you, that they can share their thoughts and that it is a safe place.”

This got me thinking: How to encourage them to speak, to share their thoughts?

What makes it a “safe place”?

Building trust.

As I reflected on this, I remembered that every time I chose to be vulnerable in my relationships, the way I experienced their response was exactly what made it positive or negative. That experience also determined my willingness to come back and rely on that person again.

Think about it: when you have a cool experience with a friend, or with a date, you want to go back and have more of that. All those dopamine and endorphin hits from our phones, chocolate, exercise, drugs, laughter… it’s almost automatic, people want more.

The way your kid experiences their vulnerable moments with you really matters. Building trust isn’t a 'one and done' experience; it begins from a very young age with simple situations like, 'Look at me when I go down the slide,' and continues through school age as they start navigating social interactions. Each shared moment is a building block for trust, and every time your child chooses to share something with you, the way you respond to it either strengthens or weakens that trust.

Think of it as creating little “wins” in our relationship each day. These are moments when our kid feels safe to share, even if it’s something small. It’s not about solving their problems for them, but creating a calm and understanding space where they can expect to be helped and feel supported while they find their own way.

The experience.

So how do we build those positive experiences? We’re not suggesting you be the “perfect parent” or always know the right thing to say. Also not suggesting you stop everything you're doing every time your kid has any kind of need. The idea here is for us to be aware of those opportunities of connection and keep our eyes open. And whose eyes, you ask? THEIRS. Look at these moments through their eyes, and be curious about why that's so important to THEM. Focus on creating a consistent pattern of empathy, openness, and respect.

When our kid comes to us to share something great that happened to them, or something that is upsetting them, like a problem with a friend at school or a bad grade, we always have the opportunity to choose between giving our full attention, or not.

When they feel welcomed with openness, genuinely listened to, that what they are saying is important to you, and you’re intentionally curious about what they're going through, that positive interaction builds a foundation of trust.

On the other hand.

When we half-listen while looking at our phones or dismiss them in some way, we show that what they are trying to say is not important. And I see two reasons why we might do that: Either we haven't thought about the impact that our full attention has on building a foundation of trust for when they are older, or we have, but we're simply tired, busy doing dishes or watching something more entertaining. It happens to all of us.

We believe that if we want to build a relationship with our kids where they feel like they can come to us, like Alicia Keys :) we should make an effort to be intentional in our parenting choices. That’s why we’re here, writing this newsletter: to open a space where we can exchange reflections and learn from each other.

“Open Door Policy” vs. “YOU open the door”.

“My door is always open” is definitely different from “I am intentionally opening the door and inviting you in”. One is passive, the other, active. Sometimes, we might need to remind them, by actively asking questions, opening the door, and inviting them in.

Go ahead and open that door. Provide the experiences to which they’ll look back and remember that you can be helpful.

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(This is Part 1 of a two-part newsletter. Both parts explore the same topic, but each one offers a different perspective on parenting styles and the challenges that grow as kids get older - Part 2 is HERE)

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