Connection and self-discovery.
Hi hi! Lily here.
If my 10-year-old self met my daughter today, it would be like Jane meeting Tarzan—except I was Tarzan. I’d be wearing my older brother’s oversized Michael Jordan T-shirt, thinking it made me cool. I’d be blasting Metallica and Ozzy Osbourne, simply because that’s what my brother listened to. I didn’t have a clue what the girls my age were into. My brother was the most popular kid at school, and I just wanted to copy him to fit in.
As time went on, I slowly found my own personality, opinions, and tastes. It took longer for me than it did for my friends, especially compared to my daughter’s generation. But eventually, I became my own person. No longer Tarzan, nor Jane. Just the special and unique ME!
Identity.
It’s completely normal for kids to try out different parts of their personality, especially in middle school. They might change their style, hobbies, or friends as they figure out who they are. This exploration is a healthy part of self-discovery, and it’s important for parents to stay connected during this time. While they experiment, we can be a safe space for them to return to - a place where they’re accepted as they are. That connection is key. It reminds them they don’t need to change themselves to be loved or valued - and if they do while experimenting, we're still there, loving all versions of them.
No matter the pressure, some things should never change: their values, kindness, integrity, and self-worth. As parents, our connection to them can help shape these qualities. When we have open conversations about values, it strengthens their trust in us and gives them the confidence to be themselves. Encourage them to explore new things, but remind them it’s okay to say “no” to things that don’t align with who they are. These conversations about values can be great bonding moments when we reflect together, without lecturing.
Values.
Knowing what you stand for is a big part of figuring out who you are. Help your child discover what really matters to them—whether it’s being kind, staying honest, or sticking by friends. When you explore what’s important to both of you, you’re not only guiding them but also deepening your relationship. These values will help keep them grounded when the world around them feels confusing or overwhelming.
WHAT NOW?
Self-Love and Acceptance.
Talking about self-love and acceptance is essential, and it’s a perfect opportunity to connect with your child on a deeper level. Here are a few ways to start those conversations:
Use real-life examples: Share stories from your own childhood or talk about role models who stay true to themselves. This makes it personal and relatable.
Ask open-ended questions: Start with something like, “What do you love most about yourself?” or “How do you feel when you’re with people who really accept you?” These moments of reflection help build connection while encouraging them to open up.
Affirm their uniqueness: Let them know their individuality is their strength. Reinforce the message that they don’t have to change to be accepted. This affirmation coming from a parent has an even deeper impact.
Comparison Overload.
Social media adds intense pressure, with kids constantly comparing themselves to others’ highlight reels. As parents, staying connected with them can help balance out that external influence. Here’s how to guide them:
Teach real vs. fake: Have conversations about how what they see online is often filtered and doesn’t reflect real life. When we’re open about this, they feel more comfortable sharing their doubts or confusion.
Encourage media literacy: Help them question what they see online. Ask things like, “Does this seem real to you?” or “How do you think this person feels off-camera?” These moments of dialogue strengthen your connection while teaching them to think critically.
Model self-acceptance: Kids learn a lot from watching us. When we show self-love and acceptance, even during tough times, they’re more likely to mirror those behaviors. By modeling self-compassion, you’re reinforcing the connection between authenticity and emotional security.
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